Bored of Cancer
Hi friends! After a conspicuous lull, fueled by writer’s block, chemo brain and the mundane, I am finally feeling a flicker of inspiration to keep documenting my cancer journey. September is also Blood Cancer Awareness Month and as a devout procrastinator, I waited to post about it until the very last day. The thing about writer’s block is that it builds on itself and the longer you have it the worse it gets. The same is true of a phenomenon known as “chemo brain”, which makes your thinking foggy and your brain a couple notches stupider than normal. While it feels like very little has happened in the last several months, I realize, upon reflection, that quite a lot has happened and that the abundance of free time in my life right now has made events seem insignificant in the expanse.
This is especially true since I went on long-term medical leave in mid-July. The decision to stop working was not an easy one, but it was helped along by a very cushy long-term sick-leave policy at my work. Even though the policy was designed for situations like mine, I had a surprising amount of difficulty with my decision. My capitalist programming is probably to blame for this, along with a healthy helping of old-fashioned catholic guilt. This was made worse by the fact that I was managing my chemotherapy regiment reasonably well. The better I was feeling physically, the worse I felt about taking off of work, despite the fact that my mental and emotional capacity was dwindling by the day.
Looking back, I worked through one of the most taxing periods of my life during the months surrounding my diagnosis, but at the time it was hard to see the forest for the trees. I was very stressed -more stressed than I care to admit -about everything that was happening in my life. I had started chemo and was trying to strategically time my treatments to be healthy for public facing meetings mid-week. I was starting my blog and trying to process a whole slew of emotions surrounding my diagnosis and treatment decisions and I was in and out of the hospital and doctor’s offices more than I had ever been in my life. In my usual fashion, I ignored all of these facts and tried to continue my daily life. Finally, I reached a breaking point and realized that the stress of maintaining my pre-cancer lifestyle was unsustainable. Doing my job poorly was not benefiting me or my employer and the responsible and best decision for me would be to take a step back and focus of getting better.
Before I took medical leave I was feeling mentally burnt out and completely disengaged. The best comparison I have for this feeling is senioritis. For those who don’t know, senioritis is the word used to describe a graduating senior who has completely checked out of their classes. Basically- slacking right before the finish line. Getting cancer, especially in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, made work feel meaningless- even though I have a very meaningful job which I care about deeply. I just felt like nothing mattered at the time because frankly, nothing else does matter when you’re forced to confront your own mortality, even if it is a glancing blow.
At a certain point I realized that going on in that way was unsustainable and that I should stop being an idiot and take my stupid sick leave. Which I did.
In retrospect, I am so thankful to have had this time off to focus on my health and I can’t imagine how I would have handled the stress of working throughout my treatment.
Since my last post I have also had two interim PET Scans. A PET Scan is a medical imaging test that detects cancer by highlighting rapidly dividing cells in a person’s body. I had my first Petscan just before I started my chemotherapy back in late May which showed a whole bunch of cancery-activity throughout my chest cavity and clavicle. It also showed some ambiguous potential cancer creeping into my left armpit. I am happy to report that all of these areas showed up as normal on my second and third PET scans. Indicating what my doctors are calling “a full-metabolic response” - also known as remission!
Between sick leave, chemo and PET scans this summer has been like no other in my life. It has been exhausting, monotonous and at times very lonely but most of all it has been tedious and boring, which has made it difficult to write about. I don’t have any earth-shattering revelations for you all or even any exciting anecdotes, but I wanted to check in and tell you all that I’m hanging in there and in the home stretch.
